• Danielle Delomas

How Sharing My Story of Loss Helped Me Heal

{ It’s October, which brings us Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. As a mama to two rainbow babies and as a bereavement doula, this month holds a special place in my heart and in my work. All month I will be sharing pregnancy loss and infant loss information, stories, and resources. }

I first shared my miscarriage story publicly in 2017. My rainbow baby, our daughter, was only a few weeks old at the time. I remember feeling overwhelmed by the newborn stage. She had evening colic and screamed for hours every night for almost three months. My husband and I took turns every night walking her around our house, rocking her in our glider, or baby-wearing while we did dishes and tidied up our little house. Nothing soothed her during those hours, so we just did our best to keep her warm and moving. It was exhausting.

The one year anniversary of our loss happened to be on my evening of baby colic duty. I remember it was very late at night and I was scrolling through my phone while I rocked our daughter in our glider. I realized what day it was and was instantly buried under a mountain of grief.

That's how my grief worked during that first year: I would so often be distracted by our rainbow baby and the joy and focus I had for her, but then I would remember what was lost.... and the sadness would still be there. People often make the mistake of assuming that because I have a healthy baby (now two!), my grief and sadness over the baby I lost has been erased. This is not, and will never be, the case.

Grief is not linear, and though many things can ease pain or distract from pain, the pain and grief of losing a baby will never fully go away. Even now, nearly four years after my loss, the feeling is fresh when I think about what happened.

One thing that has truly helped me heal is sharing my story. That night in December, I opened a Note on my phone and began to write. I hadn't ever written down my story before, and had barely spoken it aloud. I realized how much I wanted my inner circle to know what I had gone through, the trauma I had survived. When I was done writing, I posted it to Instagram.

The support began pouring in. Over the next few days I received calls, texts, and the most beautiful comments on my post. Close family members called to tell me how much it meant to them to read my story. Friends on Instagram commented with their love and support. But what held the most meaning to me was the messages I received in solidarity: friends and coworkers who had loss stories of their own. I couldn't believe how many people I knew who had miscarried a baby themselves. It felt incredible to have that wave of support and understanding from my community. My loss no longer felt like something I had to grieve alone. Now, people close to me had insight into what I went through, and I didn't have to have that conversation repeatedly. I felt instant relief.

It's never too late to share your story. I needed a year to grieve alone with my husband and our families. But once I shared, I was able to open myself up for support from a larger group. I have been more open about my loss in the last few years, and every time I share I am met with the same love and support that I got in December that first year.

What about you? Did sharing your story help you heal?

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